A million years ago I was a somewhat shy, but very ambitious, girl. I hated public speaking, giving presentations, interviews and such, but I was generally able to persevere and wow people with my hard work. I loved to work, and my employers were always appreciative of my drive. I was determined to take on the world and to be the absolute best at whatever I was doing. I had lots of friends and lots of fun wherever I went. I loved to see new things and meet new people. An important factor in my life was to make sure I was continuing to live amazing new experiences, lest this life pass me by while I toil. I feared waking up one day and wondering how I got so old without experiencing most of what this world has to offer. The thing is- I think I am waking up to that thought now. Good thing I am only 29. I still have time to rectify the situation.
How did I get here?
Well… About four years ago, an ambitious 25 year old girl firmly decided she wanted to buy the business she was employed by. Truly, there was no talking her out of it, it was just such a goddamn good idea! The only trouble was finding a bank that would write up a very big loan to a newly married 25-year-old who had no assets and only 25 years worth of life experience. And an English degree. Basically, the bank would need to see that she had significant financial backing. That came in the form of business partners. This girl decided it would be a perfectly fine idea to team up with her husband’s existing business partners who he had gone into business with on several other real estate investment endeavors.
It was a terrible idea. These folks turned out to be vultures. They knew what they were doing when they signed up to do business with a somewhat shy, but very ambitious and naïve, 25-year-old girl. They knew that this is the type of girl who still trusts other people and will work her fingers to the bone to make everything right, but will back down without hesitation when you stand an inch away from her face and tell her “I’ll make your life a living hell.” They knew this girl would be too scared to “play hardball” and fight back. So this girl and her new husband were forced to buy out the business partner’s interest (and then some) or else let her beloved business fall into the hands of these wicked people who would tear it down just to see the look on her face. These assholes made bank off the naiveté of this girl.
Don’t get me wrong. This girl agreed to buy them out, so nothing illegal was done (only very, very unethical and immoral). She didn’t listen to her accountant or attorney who warned her of the risks. She coulda and shoulda let them have the business and walked away. But this girl is stubborn.
So now, many thousands of dollars later, this now extremely shy but ambitious woman owns her own business. I don’t have the help of the business partners that I had planned on. Everything sits on my shoulders. Every time a customer complains or “suggests” my heart sinks and my defenses rise. Seriously, if I were an animal with hackles, they’d be raised almost every time I speak with another human being. I live in constant fear of almost everything and everyone in the world. I am not a very happy or jovial person as of late. I have developed an aversion toward the general public. It is sort of funny, but so sad, that I dislike the general public. Most people agree when I say that, but they don’t really feel it. I have to persevere and cross this bridge back to a place where I love life and my fellow man again. I’ll get there, and I’ll get there soon, but this side of the bridge is just an ugly place to be.
I guess I am putting this out there because I know there are people who will read this. Maybe even some from my community. And as you read on, hopefully chronologically, I want you to know that this is where I’m coming from. You might read an internet bitch-fest about a customer being an asshole or something else that seems highly inappropriate, but this is my little world for venting and, hopefully, some healing as a result.
P.S. I am happy at home. If I never had to deal with the real world again, I’d be perfectly content. My family is incredible, and I am a very lucky wife/mom/daughter/sister, indeed!