This weekend I felt it for the first time: Mommy Guilt.
I have graduated from the “survival mode” phase, where I was working hard at home and at work and just trying to keep it together with a reasonable amount of sleep. In survival mode, I didn’t have time for any sort of guilt. We have finally figured out how this family of 3 functions so we have routine and now I am able to devote a lot more time and energy to my work and other things. It feels great.
This weekend I worked hard at work and I enjoyed it. Since Dan was available, I went to work early and stayed late and I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed visiting with my customers, instead of just wishing they would leave faster. I enjoyed tidying up and organizing, instead of stacking and ignoring. I enjoyed working with my employees and keeping them on task instead of getting frustrated that they aren’t automatically doing everything the way I want it.
I haven’t enjoyed my work like this for at least a year and a half.
Dan brought Ellie to see me and as I was holding her she reached out for him. When I came home and we played on the floor as a family, she preferred him. At times it’s like she was avoiding me. Ouch.
So on Sunday and today, I played catch up even though I was very tired. It was my turn to take care of her needs.
No, I was not sad at all when she cried out today when I left the room. Her “I miss you, Mommy” cries melt my heart. Then I swoop in for the save: hugs and slobbery baby kisses and total mommy bliss.