Terry Talks

I realize I have the tendency to be envious of other people’s lives.  I don’t mean jealous, and I don’t mean ungrateful.  I just see what others are up to and wish I would have thought to incorporate some of their mojo into my existence.

I also realize that I tend to always be thinking of the next big thing.  When what I am doing looks like it is shaping up nicely (or not), I start to look onward. Sometimes that is good (goals, aspirations); but, sometimes it is not good. It means I forget to live in the moment and to revel in what is perfect and wonderful about today, this moment right now.

The other night I was looking through a facebook album of a friend’s recent wedding.  This friend is a guy who I had a little crush on in high school. Not a big, embarrassing crush, just a he’s-handsome-and-nice kind of crush.  His wedding, like his bride, was gorgeous. I can only imagine that it was the most incredible day of his life. From the photos, it looks like they started the day out by shooting pistols and drinking beer. Then he and all our high school friends got all fancied up in colorful cowboy boots and trekked out to a wheat-covered hilltop overlooking pine tree and sagebrush covered hills to say their vows. It was a beautiful affair, attended by beautiful people who were brought out through BFE on horseback and four-wheelers.

Looking at those photos, it dawned on me: I am so glad that this isn’t my life. It is beautiful, but it is not me. What I have is breathtakingly perfect and it doesn’t involve pistols, cowboy boots, or keystone ice. (Though Dan does own guns, cowboy boots and will oblige a keystone ice on occasion). I think I realized for possibly the first time that I have a life worth being envious of. I have a husband that has the same range of morals and ethics as I, who helps out around the house and does more than his fair share of parenting and partnering, and who I can relate to openly and honestly; I have a beautiful, smart and healthy child; I have an education; we have two successful businesses; and, finally, I have a flexible lifestyle that I can work with to live the life I want. I’m free in a sense.

I can sit here all day and think of what I don’t have and what I would like to have (more than 800 square feet, perhaps), and things I would change if I could. Quite honestly, however, I don’t know many people who have as much as I do. It has been a lot of work and stress, but it is paying off and I’m loving it.

Yesterday my mom called me on the phone. She said “I have a question to ask you. And I had to have a glass of wine first to steel myself to even ask you this……. {dramatic silence} ……….do you think I’m a good babysitter?”

Exasperated, I replied “WHAT? Are you kidding?? What kind of question is that? Yes, you are a great babysitter!!”

“Good,” she replied, “then you’ll join me for lunch with the ladies.”

Unbelievable.

The “ladies” are a group of women who dominate an organization that my mom and I are both members of.  I used to serve as president of this group and the experience was so horrible that I am not sure I will renew my membership next year. These ladies are wonderful people individually, but collectively they are somewhat aggressive, nit-picky, and very old-school.  My mother knew that I would not be interested AT ALL to go to lunch to “cuss and discuss” club business.

So she tricked me!

Anyway, the lunch ended up being worth my while, even though I had to juggle a baby the whole time. A baby who just wanted to run and play and eat scraps of food off other people’s plates.

Instead of nit-picking, the ladies were bringing up topics of how the club should move forward and make a difference. It was refreshing. The group has relaxed about “tradition” and they are finally beginning to discuss things I have spent the last four years wishing they would discuss.

I was surprised that two other young club members joined us.  These women are in the grade younger than me in school so we weren’t super close friends growing up, but we are friends, and they are great people. C is a young mother who has a daughter five days younger than Little. She has two kids, teaches middle school science and waits tables at night.   J is managing the front office of a busy medical center and going back to school for medical administration while waiting tables at night. These chicks are busy!

Another woman who came is leaving for the city to take her husband to a slew of doctor’s appointments for his Multiple Sclerosis. His MS is severe.   I have watched these last few years as she has diligently cared for her husband as his condition continues to evolve. I always wonder how hard it is for her to see her partner slipping away, unable to enjoy life the way he used to.  She puts so much energy into caring for him, not just physically but emotionally. They are always out and about attending events and enjoying the world at large. She puts great energy into nursing his spirit.

As I sat at the table with Little and my mom listening to everyone else’s stories about what they are dealing with and what their plans are for the future and how stressed/scared/sad they are about their current situations, I was pleasantly struck with the realization that the things I’m dealing with are no longer worse than what these ladies are dealing with. In the past I wouldn’t even discuss my situation because it isn’t the kind of thing people want to hear.  They wouldn’t have been able to understand, empathize or offer any advice.  But now I don’t sit quietly contemplating my misery. I was just eating my salad, listening to the conversation and giggling with Little. I have it pretty good.  The last couple of years were a challenge, they were undeniably terrifying and just plain BAD years of my life. I didn’t know how I would ever climb out of the hole, I didn’t know if I would ever feel happy again. I didn’t know if I would ever get my head above water.

But I have. My head is above water. I still have a ways to go, but I am really getting there. I didn’t see it coming, but I think my vision of myself as a wife/mother/business owner is actually coming together as I had seen it years ago.  The path has just been rockier and more treacherous than I had envisioned.

……

From now on, I think I’ll remember to ask “why” when my mom asks a ridiculous question like that, but I suppose she knew this lunch wouldn’t hurt me.  In fact, it helped.

I got home from work tonight and peeked into Little’s room to watch her sleep. As I watched her back rise and fall with each breath, and her sweet sigh as she shifted around, I was overcome by how wonderfully blessed I am to be her mom.  I know that almost every mother feels blessed to be a mom, but I don’t think most moms get to have a kid as delightful as mine. She is such an absolute joy. She has been a very easy child to parent. From nursing to sleeping through the night to developmental milestones. She has given us no worries.  I know things won’t always be this easy. She will present us with myriad challenges over the years. Tonight I sat down and put down in writing the things I want to keep in mind as I raise my sweet girl. Here are the 15 things I want to remember as her mother (in no particular order):

1. Tell her you love her every day of her life.
2. Help her find a way to achieve her goals. Don’t downplay them.
3. Help/Allow her to figure out how to do things for herself.
4. Give her room to grow and develop.
5. Challenge her to keep an open mind.
6. Teach her to respect other people and not live in judgment.
7. Live in the moment with her every day.
8. Be silly with her. Sing with her. Tickle her.
9. Make our home a home, and don’t move around too much. Give her consistency.
10. Teach her to enjoy pretty things without being materialistic and/or dependent on them.
11. Get on her level and play with her while she is a kid.
12. Maintain a strong and loving marriage.
13. Maintain a strong and healthy sense of self. Be her role model.
14. Keep a journal, keep keepsakes, take pictures and videos and create family traditions.
15. Show her the world.

This weekend I felt it for the first time: Mommy Guilt.

I have graduated from the “survival mode” phase, where I was working hard at home and at work and just trying to keep it together with a reasonable amount of sleep. In survival mode, I didn’t have time for any sort of guilt. We have finally figured out how this family of 3 functions so we have routine and now I am able to devote a lot more time and energy to my work and other things. It feels great.

This weekend I worked hard at work and I enjoyed it. Since Dan was available, I went to work early and stayed late and I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed visiting with my customers, instead of just wishing they would leave faster.  I enjoyed tidying up and organizing, instead of stacking and ignoring. I enjoyed working with my employees and keeping them on task instead of getting frustrated that they aren’t automatically doing everything the way I want it.

I haven’t enjoyed my work like this for at least a year and a half.

Dan brought Ellie to see me and as I was holding her she reached out for him.  When I came home and we played on the floor as a family, she preferred him.  At times it’s like she was avoiding me. Ouch.

So on Sunday and today, I played catch up even though I was very tired. It was my turn to take care of her needs.

No, I was not sad at all when she cried out today when I left the room. Her “I miss you, Mommy” cries melt my heart. Then I swoop in for the save: hugs and slobbery baby kisses and total mommy bliss.

Today I had the opportunity to sit down and watch “Our Idiot Brother” starring the ever-handsome Paul Rudd. It was humorous and lighthearted without being over-the-top hilarious or silly.  The R-rated bits were hilarious and fitting, but I’m glad they didn’t overdo it. (Remember the movie Yes Man? It was a nice, somewhat inspirational film until they threw in the part with the old lady blowjob which just didn’t fit the story right, IMO).

I LOL’ed a few times and left the theater a happier person.

It got me to thinking about a subject I think about a lot lately: perspective.

Paul Rudd’s character, Ned,  is a happy-go-lucky guy who trusts people a little too much, and as a result seems to continually fall upon hard luck. In fact, I don’t think he even notices the hard luck, it’s just life. He is a man who takes the world at face value without over-analyzing or over-interpreting everything.  He isn’t the least bit defensive about all the crazy things that go on in his life (except when it comes to his beloved dog, Willie Nelson). He just is.  He just does.

Of course, a person who just “is and does,” who goes out into the world without the least bit of fear of it can get themselves into some mighty strange situations.

But Ned teaches us all a little something about perspective, and finding the balance between being aloof and being a scaredy-cat. Learning to take the world at face value can relieve so much emotional and mental pressure, while having just a bit of a leery side can keep us safe.

He teaches us to be nice, to do what is right, to be true to the people you love and to be honest.

I love the Neds of the world.

I’d give the film a solid 3.5 / 5.

A million years ago I was a somewhat shy, but very ambitious, girl.  I hated public speaking, giving presentations, interviews and such, but I was generally able to persevere and wow people with my hard work.  I loved to work, and my employers were always appreciative of my drive.  I was determined to take on the world and to be the absolute best at whatever I was doing.  I had lots of friends and lots of fun wherever I went.  I loved to see new things and meet new people.  An important factor in my life was to make sure I was continuing to live amazing new experiences, lest this life pass me by while I toil.  I feared waking up one day and wondering how I got so old without experiencing most of what this world has to offer.  The thing is- I think I am waking up to that thought now. Good thing I am only 29. I still have time to rectify the situation.

How did I get here?

Well… About four years ago, an ambitious 25 year old girl firmly decided she wanted to buy the business she was employed by.  Truly, there was no talking her out of it, it was just such a goddamn good idea!  The only trouble was finding a bank that would write up a very big loan to a newly married 25-year-old who had no assets and only 25 years worth of life experience. And an English degree.  Basically, the bank would need to see that she had significant financial backing. That came in the form of business partners. This girl decided it would be a perfectly fine idea to team up with her husband’s existing business partners who he had gone into business with on several other real estate investment endeavors.

It was a terrible idea. These folks turned out to be vultures.  They knew what they were doing when they signed up to do business with a somewhat shy, but very ambitious and naïve, 25-year-old girl. They knew that this is the type of girl who still trusts other people and will work her fingers to the bone to make everything right, but will back down without hesitation when you stand an inch away from her face and tell her “I’ll make your life a living hell.”  They knew this girl would be too scared to “play hardball” and fight back. So this girl and her new husband were forced to buy out the business partner’s interest (and then some) or else let her beloved business fall into the hands of these wicked people who would tear it down just to see the look on her face.  These assholes made bank off the naiveté of this girl.

Don’t get me wrong. This girl agreed to buy them out, so nothing illegal was done (only very, very unethical and immoral). She didn’t listen to her accountant or attorney who warned her of the risks. She coulda and shoulda let them have the business and walked away. But this girl is stubborn.

So now, many thousands of dollars later, this now extremely shy but ambitious woman owns her own business.  I don’t have the help of the business partners that I had planned on. Everything sits on my shoulders. Every time a customer complains or “suggests” my heart sinks and my defenses rise.  Seriously, if I were an animal with hackles, they’d be raised almost every time I speak with another human being.  I live in constant fear of almost everything and everyone in the world. I am not a very happy or jovial person as of late. I have developed an aversion toward the general public. It is sort of funny, but so sad, that I dislike the general public.  Most people agree when I say that, but they don’t really feel it.  I have to persevere and cross this bridge back to a place where I love life and my fellow man again.  I’ll get there, and I’ll get there soon, but this side of the bridge is just an ugly place to be.

I guess I am putting this out there because I know there are people who will read this.  Maybe even some from my community. And as you read on, hopefully chronologically, I want you to know that this is where I’m coming from.  You might read an internet bitch-fest about a customer being an asshole or something else that seems highly inappropriate, but this is my little world for venting and, hopefully, some healing as a result.

P.S. I am happy at home. If I never had to deal with the real world again, I’d be perfectly content. My family is incredible, and I am a very lucky wife/mom/daughter/sister, indeed!

We are leaving for a mini-vacation to Newport, Oregon in about 11 hours. I cannot wait. We go to the coast about twice a year, and it is always such a calming getaway. We always stay at the same place, a delicious condo on the beach. We go in the fall, right after business settles down for us after the long, hot summer and while the weather is still nice. Even if it is rainy, the Oregon Coast never disappoints. What is cozier than the sound of the ocean crashing onto the shore on a stormy night while we sit inside by the fire drinking wine?

We are expecting nice weather this week, though. We hope to get Ellie out on the beach and to take her down by the bay in her stroller.

We also hope to eat A LOT of delicious food.

I wanted to blog but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The thing is, there aren’t very many people in the United States with my last name. So when I named my blog after our family name, it became very definitive.  It did not offer enough anonymity. It showed up on google searches, and people I don’t particularly want to talk to were up in my business.  I felt like I had to be very, very censored and I didn’t like it.  I didn’t know enough about the internetz to properly protect myself against unnecessary exposure, but I figured it out. I changed my domain name and some settings and BAM, I now feel nice and secluded over here in my little corner of the world wide web. However, I may have lost all my posts from the old blog. I have them backed up, but can’t figure out how to get them to upload here. Eh, as I said, not so smart about the internet.

Anyhow, I figure if you are here reading it is because you really want to be (and probably because I invited you), so read on, my friends (and leave comments).